Bi Boys and Heteroflexibility

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

Have you noticed how the landscape of sexual orientation keeps changing? In times past, the lines were clearly drawn: men were straight or they were gay. Straight guys didn’t act like gay men. They would typically get very offended if someone took them for gay; hell, it might turn into a fistfight. And gay men staked out their own turf, often rebelling and acting in a way that clearly said “gay and proud.”

Now we’re seeing the lines blur. “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is making it in vogue for men of all orientations to be concerned about grooming, decorating, fashion, etc. Big cities have seen the birth of something called “metrosexuals” – straight men who look, dress and act an awful lot like gay men, but still want women for physical and romantic relationships. (Imagine a personal ad that reads, “SWF seeks gay acting SWM….”) Trendy straight guys take their girlfriends dancing at gay clubs. The music is better, and they aren’t particularly concerned who sees them.

Especially among younger men and women, though, the trend goes well beyond all that. Sexual orientation itself, including dating, affection and sexual expression, seems much less set in concrete. Some colleges have seen a phenomenon dubbed “gay until graduation” – a freedom to experiment with bisexuality and avoiding labels of all sorts. Conservatives who have opposed gay rights have long argued that if homosexuality lost its stigma, more people would “choose” homosexuality. Were they right?

Sexual orientation is both more and less complex than people imagine. Remember the old Kinsey Scale, a zero-to-six range with heterosexuality at one end and homosexuality at the other? Most people fall somewhere in the middle. While there is no evidence that people at one end of the scale can actually hop to the other end, there is actually a god bit of flexibility for folks in the mid-range. As being identified as gay has lost much of it’s stigma, more people in the middle of the scale feel free to explore the range of their desires and attractions more fully than they would have in the past.

Some of these folks might identify as bisexual, others as “heteroflexible.” They might say that they are attracted to the individual, not the gender. Lily Tomlin once noted that being bisexual automatically doubled your chances of getting a date. Why choose sides?

This is a good thing. It helps us to explore the full range of our humanity. And the saying that labels are for jars, not people, has never been truer. At the same time, this can be confusing for the gay guy who just wants to know if it’s OK to ask out that well-dressed new guy at the office.

Many gay men are skeptical of the idea of bisexuality – perhaps because so many of us used that label ourselves before fully self-identifying as gay. They regard bisexuals as “fence sitters” who can’t make up their minds – or who don’t have the balls to acknowledge that they’re really gay. For some gay men, finding out that someone you’ve been intimate with is also attracted to women can make them feel self-critical; what’s wrong with me that I’m not into women?

It’s true that experimenting with bisexuality can be a transitional thing on the way to becoming an All-American homosexual. But it’s equally true that many (maybe most) human beings have some degree of attraction to both men and women. And as society’s attitudes change, it’s more and more acceptable to let those feelings out.

Dealing with change isn’t always easy, even when it’s positive change. And n this case it may not be any easier for gay folks than for straight folks. What’s a gay guy to do?

Recognize and get over your bi-phobia. Bisexuality is real, and it’s no more acceptable to ridicule or reject bi folks than it would be to discriminate against gay people. (This may also be a good time to get over laughing at or snubbing others because they’re older/younger than you, or a different color, or make more or less money than you do, or have a physical condition that makes them different from you. Relax and enjoy the variety.)

If you’re interested in someone, let him know. There’s no reason to be anxious when approaching someone whose sexual orientation isn’t known. Just go slow and don’t come on too heavy; asking someone out for coffee is one thing, making a sexual pass is another. A guy who is secure in his sense of self-identity can let you know he isn’t interested without blowing his stack. Letting someone now you’re interested is a compliment.

My guess is that 100 years from now no one will feel a need for labels like gay, straight or bisexual. We will see sexual orientation as just one more aspect of our humanity. Right now, though, we get to live through the exciting and messy process of social change. Relax and enjoy the fun.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships and spirituality. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org.