Long-Distance Dating

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

Have you noticed how much gay men travel? I don’t have any statistical information, but my bet is that between traveling for work and traveling for pleasure, gay men are probably more mobile than most people in our society. It makes sense, then, that many of us will find ourselves making romantic connections with men who live far away from wherever we call home.

Different people have different feelings about this. Some men might enjoy a flirt or a fling out of town, but would rule out any possibility of actually dating someone who lived far away. It strikes them as too impractical, expensive or unsatisfying. They want someone more frequently available for face-to-face or snuggle-to-snuggle contact.

Other men have found that there are advantages to dating someone who lives further away than just around the corner. Maybe the distance makes it easier to take the development of the relationship at a slower pace. Hurrying things up is just more difficult when the object of your affection is hundreds of miles away. Or they prefer the combination of having romantic contact with someone who doesn’t make too many demands on their schedule because he’s not around to insist on going to the movies or a concert.

Of course, most of us have little control over whom it is that we fall for. We didn’t seek this or that out; it just happened. And so it is with dating someone at a distance.

What do you do when the object of your affection is miles away from your home? One place to start is by looking at practical matters. Falling for someone who lives a four-hour drive away – as I did a few years ago – is different from falling in love with someone who is a native of an exotic land you visited on vacation. If there is little practical likelihood of having some sort of regular contact, it’s going to make it virtually impossible to do the work that dating requires in getting to know someone.

Some couples find that monthly contact can be supplemented by meaningful phone calls and written messages. In fact, the time spent together can seem especially precious and fun. This is all well and good, but realize that getting to know someone who is hosting your visit or who is a guest in your home is different in many ways from having contact in the workaday world. Weekend visits make it easy to set aside all other concerns simply to be with your beloved. How will he act when he is surrounded by the routine distractions and conflicts that are part of his life or yours?

A special word should be said about email. Email is cheap and it certainly is nice to find a message from your sweetie in your inbox. Be aware, though, that the instant communication of email makes it easy to transmit content that has had its emotional context removed. Sharing intimate thoughts via electrons is different from sitting on your sofa holding hands. It’s much easier to misunderstand words sent via email. At least with a phone conversation you get to hear the inflection in the speaker’s voice. I recommend avoiding email whenever there is likelihood that the reader won’t fully understand the emotion behind your words.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.