Single and Happy

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

Have you ever noticed how many assumptions we make about relationships and singleness? One of the biggest is that being single is a temporary state and therefore not that important. You'll only be single until you meet the right man. We tend to think of being single as a transitional time. For some of us that is true; for others, singleness is a long-term way of life. Either way, many of us will spend at least a large part of our lives single.

Thinking of singleness as transitory means that it is easy to spend more time looking for or anticipating our next relationship rather than cultivating life right now. Some people defer plans; they will buy a house, or start saving for retirement, or plan that trip when they meet Mr. Right. Or worse: they have no life goal other than to find a mate! Being single seems too transient to take seriously. But months turn to years; we look back and realize we've been deferring plans and missing out in the process.

This life is not "practice," single or not. It makes no sense to believe you must defer your happiness until you are part of a relationship. Relationships seem to work best with people who are already happy.

Being happy means getting your important needs met. These needs include desires for intimacy, friendship and connection with others. Are there friends you can rely on when you need a helping hand? Men or women with whom you can share the joys or sorrows that are part of the fabric of every life? What about someone you can tell your innermost thoughts to and feel accepted and acknowledged? (Someone once defined a true friend as "someone who knows you as you truly are…and who likes you anyway.")

Some of us are extroverts by nature. We relish the company of friends, and we are always out doing things with them. We feel energized by being around others. Others of us are introverts. We find that being around other people can be tiring; we recharge our batteries by making time to retreat and be by ourselves. As in the rest of life, finding the balance that works for each of us as individuals is the key.

You are short-changing yourself if you are so focused on finding a boyfriend that you neglect cultivating friendships. A well-rounded life includes having a diverse group of relationships with which support and nourish us. Even if you find a partner in life, it is usually neither healthy nor possible to get all of your social needs met by one person. Friends are the fabric of which life is made.

Even if you have a host of friends, if you find yourself using them to avoid facing the fact that you feel incomplete when you are by yourself, you have some work to do. An important a part of happiness is the ability to enjoy your own company. What do you do when you are by yourself? Can you enjoy a book or doing something like going to the movies by yourself? Or do you find that you are never alone, or that you are bored and restless when you are by yourself?

We cultivate a happy, meaningful life like we cultivate a garden. Your life is important; take time to nourish yourself and enjoy life, whether you are single, dating or in a long-term relationship.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.