Breaking Up

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

We usually don't think about how a relationship will end when it is beginning. How could we? To get to know someone and develop a level of intimacy with him or her requires that we open ourselves up. Ending a relationship is just the opposite: closing up shop, separating and moving on.

While we may fantasize that the man we met last night will be the one we wake up next to 10 years from now, the reality of dating is that it is a process of getting to know someone and exploring our connection with them. That means being open to the possibility that your time dating this man will come to an end. If your pattern is that each person you date is someone you won't let get away, you aren't dating – you're taking hostages!

It is natural to be somewhat ambivalent about calling it quits. This ambivalence isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's good to take relationships seriously and to avoid disposing of them easily; it's a person we're talking about here, not last season's Lands End catalog. Taking time to sort out your feelings is a necessary part of managing your intimate relationships successfully.

This is especially true with long-term relationships. If you've invested years in a commitment to a partner, it makes especially good sense to not break things off quickly – especially in a moment of anger. It's much better to take your time rather than to make a bad decision. Consider seeing a counselor or psychotherapist. Ending a long-standing relationship is likely to be considerably more difficult than the process outlined in this column.

Of course, dangerous relationships should be ended quickly. If you feel unsafe with a person or fearful for your well-being, terminating the relationship as soon as possible is important. Arrange for support if you need it, but act sooner rather than later.

What if you've had time to sort through those feelings, and you have decided that this relationship is going nowhere? In general, letting your boyfriend know of your decision sooner rather than later is the better course of action. Delaying things allows the other person to get the wrong impression or build castles in the sky. This is not an act of kindness.

Take responsibility for your decision. Make "I" statements rather than blame the other person. (Example: "I'm sorry, but I just don't have the sort of romantic feelings for you that I want to have if I'm committed to someone.") Express your thoughts and feelings clearly.

If you mean to end the relationship, don't allow yourself to be so vague that the other person leaves the encounter with different expectations for the future. If you are open to the idea of working on issues that have come up in your relationship, say so. If that's not what you want, it's better to acknowledge that you aren't available for working things out. In the same way, if you are open to future friendship that's fine, but if you are only saying that to soften the blow or look like a nice guy, you're probably going to be creating more resentment later in time.

Be considerate of the other person's feelings, especially if you suspect he will be hurt or disappointed. Delivering the news to someone while you are on your way to a party or social encounter with friends may create awkwardness or drama that leaves your boyfriend feeling he has lost his dignity. Better to speak privately and when there is enough time to complete the communication.

Breaking up with a boyfriend isn't fun. Knowing that you have the ability to end a relationship that isn't working for you can help you to feel more competent in managing your intimate life, and that's important.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.