Ending a relationship

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

No one starts a relationship planning the best way to end it. Whether we are talking about a lover you have been with for years or someone you’ve been dating a few weeks, it’s rarely pleasant to call it quits. Maybe that’s why some men do such a bad job of it.

When do you decide that it’s time to pull the plug? Sometimes it’s clear to anyone within a mile of the two of you that this one is dead and gone – clear to anyone but you, that is. For you, it’s a matter of real soul searching before you decide you must move on. It is hard to look at a relationship objectively when you are in the middle of it.

First things first: if physical abuse is part of your relationship, leave now. Gay men can be naïve about the dangers of physical abuse. Some men think violence is a problem only women confront. If you believe that you’re wrong, and that could put you in danger. If your boyfriend gets violent, take care of yourself and get to a safe place. If you are the one being violent, get away from him and get professional help.

What if it’s not that clear-cut? No relationship is perfect, but if you are certain that you are settling for less than what you really want it’s time to make a start at resolving things.

Gary had been dating a guy for 9 months. He had a growing sense that the spark just wasn’t there; his feelings for the guy just weren’t getting deeper. He decided to have a heart to heart with his boyfriend to talk about what seemed to be missing. An evening of talking made it clear that his boyfriend was satisfied with their low-intensity relationship and wasn’t really interested in making more of a commitment. That was Gary’s cue to say so long. “I wasn’t going to invest any more time in something that was never going to give me what I really wanted,” he said.

Of course, being too quick to move on can turn dating into a never ending round of musical chairs. A constant shift from partner to partner may signal that you are avoiding the work that intimate relationships involve. It can be hard to know for sure. Listen to your friends, who may have an easier time noticing patterns in your relationships than you do yourself. If you discover yourself doing the same thing over and over – always dating guys who are emotionally unavailable, for instance – consider getting professional assistance to learn to do things differently next time.

Let’s say you’ve talked to your boyfriend and still aren’t getting what you want. He’s unwilling or unable to meet you halfway in making changes. Someone wise once said, “The space for what you really want in your life is occupied by what you have settled for.” Life is too short to put up with a situation that will never make you happy. It may be time to cut the cord.

Saying goodbye isn’t pleasant, but you can do things that make it a bit easier. Consider where you will talk – a neutral spot is likely to be easier. (Thinking about doing a “virtual breakup” via email? That’s low. Be a man and talk to him.) Think through what you want to say beforehand. You may want to travel to your goodbye spot separately unless you are sure driving him home afterwards won’t be awkward. As long as you don’t have a concern about his potential for getting physically aggressive, choose a place that’s private enough for sad feelings to be expressed or tears to flow without becoming a public spectacle.

Give yourself enough time to complete what you need to say. Don’t offer false hope for the future if you are certain that’s not what you really want. On the other hand, don’t be more hurtful than necessary. Your goal isn’t to give him a laundry list of things he needs to change. Your goal is to say goodbye.

Some people fantasize that “we’ll just be friends instead of boyfriends.” Sometimes this works. Often it does not. Don’t offer friendship as a consolation prize if you don’t really mean it. Changing from lovers to friends requires disinvesting in one another, and that’s tough if you have had a serious romantic connection. Mark and Jim have managed to do that, but it wasn’t easy. “We had to be real clear with one another, and the first few months were rough. Jim needed time away from me after I ended things.” The two had dated about a year. “When we’d go out as friends, everything seemed more about the sadness of not being together anymore. It was not fun to be together.” With patience, that changed over time.

Some men find the urge to engage in a “farewell fuck” is a strong one, especially if the sex was hot during the relationship. One last chance; what could it hurt? Think twice before doing that. Sex play can stir up exactly the passionate feelings you need to cool for a clean separation. You can’t have it both ways.

Be careful about how you talk about the situation with other people, even with close friends. You won’t regret being considerate and tactful, and vindictiveness can come back to haunt you. You’ll feel better about yourself if you are as kind as possible, and you are less likely to leave yourself or your former boyfriend feeling deeply wounded.

Regardless of how well you handle the situation, you may be surprised at the sadness that gets stirred up inside of you after breaking up with someone. While it’s generally true that the longer the relationship lasted, the longer the period of grieving, short but intense relationships can also knock you off balance. Take good care of yourself. Don’t allow yourself to become isolated. If you are feeling depressed or need to sort through your feelings, see your doctor or a psychotherapist.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org.