Money and Relationships

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

How much do you know about how your boyfriend handles money?

Whether we’re gay or straight, people are often much more likely to talk about their sexual secrets than their financial ones. Early on we are taught that it is rude to talk about money – maybe the most private of affairs.

Gay couples vary widely in how they handle financial matters. Some are quick to merge their assets – buying a house together or putting the other guy’s name on the deed of any property, combining checkbooks, etc. Other men live together for years and still keep their funds totally separate. It’s a matter of choice for the individuals involved.

It is not unusual for two people to have very different understandings of how to handle money. One person may have grown up in a family where money was in constant short supply, while the other never felt the whole thing about income and expenses was much of a big deal. One guy may get great satisfaction out of buying nice things or spending money on gifts or vacations; the other may feel that the greatest luxury in life is having assets squirreled away for a rainy day.

There is no standard or normal way for couples to manage their finances. We each develop our own system based on what (hopefully) works for us.

While some couples find great satisfaction in paying for groceries with checks listing both of their names, most couples find they need a bit of financial space. We’ve got our joint expenditures, for instance, but you’ve got yours and I’ve got mine.

What does your financial style say about your relationship? Couples who keep everything totally separate may want to look at whether their arrangement is hiding a lack of commitment, trust or communication. That’s especially true of you rarely talk about monetary concerns. If I’m not willing to share at least part my fiscal life with you, how much am I reserving in other areas as well?

The opposite is also true. If every personal expenditure becomes a matter of joint decision, the couple may find they are so emotionally enmeshed in a way that risks suffocating one another.

Couples often find that one partner has a greater knack for handling the whole money thing than the other does. Sometimes one person in the relationship loves to balance the checkbook or pick stocks to purchase and the other’s eyes simply glaze over. Delegating responsibilities is fine, but couples will do well to make certain they are in sync about goals and how to reach them.

Topics like saving versus spending, financial planning and how to handle debt are good subjects for discussion before the two of you make a serious commitment. Getting things out in the open and avoids surprises later on.

Same-sex couples should be aware that the lack of legal protection for our unions makes it especially important to pay attention to issues like wills, estate planning and thinking about retirement. Gay and lesbian couples face a very real “gay penalty” when it comes to retirement. Should you die, your partner is very unlikely to receive proceeds from a pension. And all his assets are likely to be transferred to a blood relative – even if your partner has no emotional relationship with them. Without a will, the law does not protect you. Get a will!

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached at (404) 874-8536 or via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org.