Anger (Part Three): Managing Anger

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

Living with uncontrollable anger is difficult. Relationships are likely to be full of conflict and recrimination. Self-esteem takes a beating because our temper is likely to get us in trouble at work as well as at home. And the physical effects can include stomach problems and hypertension.

It ain’t pretty.

Everyone gets angry from time to time, and that’s not a bad thing. But if anger is getting you in trouble at the office, on the highway or at home, it’s time to get a grip.

First, acknowledge your responsibility for creating this problem. Don’t cop out by saying “I don’t know” when talking about your anger or behavior, and don’t use psychobabble in a defensive way. Take responsibility – that’s what men do.

Second, stop criticizing yourself. For many of us, there is a constant barrage of negative self-talk going on inside our skulls at any given time. “I’m such a loser” is not encouraging self-talk. Stop it, OK? And avoid statements that include the words have to, should, must or ought. Rephrase the thought or statement making it a choice. “I have to keep my temper under control” sets up an argument in your head. “I want to control my temper” builds yourself up rather than tearing yourself down.

Here are some other suggestions:

Notice what’s going on inside your self. What are you feeling? Learn to recognize the emotions that may cause you to express anger. Are you mad or are you sad? Are you scared?

Take a deep breath. Don’t go onto automatic pilot. You’re a thinking being, and you can make choices. Consider the self-restraint option – much preferable to flying off the handle.

Decide if you need to withdraw for a while to cool down. Go for a walk. Stretch or exercise. Talk with a third person. Remind yourself that it’s not OK to fly off the handle.

Learn to accept criticism without getting defensive. What would it be like to listen at work without needing to explain yourself – especially if you know you were wrong?

Learn to really listen whenever someone else is speaking, especially if they are speaking to you. Pay attention. Be interested and supportive. Resist the urge to criticize or offer unwanted advice or blame.

Better still, avoid blaming others at all. Take responsibility for your own actions. Doing so will allow others to react to you less defensively. See if you can support and acknowledge other people. You will find that your interactions become more pleasant.

Remember that part of the Prayer of St. Francis that says, “May I seek less to be understood than to understand?” Practice that.

Practice generating good karma in little ways. Let someone cut into your lane while you’re driving. Hold the door open for someone.

None of these changes are all that complicated, but that doesn’t mean they are easy. Making change requires consistent effort over time. You can do it, and you’ll find that your relationships are stronger and happier and that you feel better about yourself.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships and spirituality. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.