Getting Older

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

“Older” is one of those words that makes us ambivalent. To apply the word to someone else feels a little rude. To apply it to ourselves makes us swallow hard! We may have spent the first couple of decades of life looking forward to the rewards that getting older would bring us – being old enough to drive, vote or drink – but after that, the rewards seem a lot more abstract.

Let’s start out with the obvious: getting older sure as hell beats the alternative. The only way to avoid aging is to die young, and that’s an awfully high price to pay. And aging is relative. You and I have both been doing it since the day we took that first breath, but getting older isn’t a cause for concern when we’re young; we’re more worried about when our skin will clear up.

Time passes more slowly when we’re young because our frame of reference shifts. At age 20 time seems slower, maybe because the passing of a year adds 5% to our lifetime. At 50 that same 365-day year zips by in only 2% of our lifetime, two and a half times as fast.

Because our media-focused society spends so much time trying to sell us products that pander to our fear of aging, we develop a bias that looks at growing older with a sense of loss. Our skin loses a bit of its taught freshness. Our hormones and metabolism shift; we may notice that we get tired a little more easily and put on weight faster than we did 10 years ago. These shifts don’t start at midlife; even younger people notice them if they are paying attention.

Is aging all about loss? Not by a long shot. People develop throughout the lifespan, and each age faces it’s own challenges and benefits. We may be most youthful and energetic in our 20’s, for instance, but that’s also a time when we’re still establishing our sense of who we are and what we want to do with our lives. We’re experimenting with relationships and jobs. We might hope to get these things right on the first or second try, but often the juicy stuff in life takes more experience than that. We gain valuable experience from the mistakes we make. That’s really the developmental task of 20-somethings: make interesting mistakes, but avoid those that are too hard or expensive!

By the time we hit our 30’s we’ve started to settle down and establish ourselves. The younger guys may be the shirtless models for magazine covers – but we’re more likely to be the guy’s supervisor at work. Odds are better that we will achieve certain milestones in this decade: a more satisfying career, more fulfilling relationships, greater income.

By the time we hit 40 we’ve got lots of experience under our belts (literally and figuratively). Most of us know who we are and what we’re doing here. We’re much less likely to put up with the sort of bull that we couldn’t avoid when we were younger. We’re more powerful and self-directed. It’s a pleasant surprise to find those 20- and 30-somethings looking to us for advice and support. We may still be in great physical shape, but we aren’t likely to mistake the size of our pecs for who we truly are.

In the 50’s and 60’s we start to have a different perspective. We still want many of the things that our younger peers want (and we still get them!), but we’re also thinking differently about the future. “What difference is my life making?” is a question of growing importance in these years. What is our legacy going to be?

Helen Keller said, “Life is a daring adventure, or it is nothing at all.” She was right. Learning to make peace with getting older frees us up to enjoy what life’s all about.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships and spirituality. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.