Inhibited Sexual Desire

What causes us to lose interest in lust?

John R. Ballew, M.S., L.P.C.

Gay men take sex and sexuality seriously. Some of us expect that guys should be ready to have sex at the drop of a hat. When something goes wrong with sex in our relationships, we can find ourselves feeling anxious. What happens when we find ourselves feeling blasé or uninterested when it comes to sex?

The clinical term for this situation is inhibited sexual desire. People experiencing it may find that they have little interest in sex with their primary partner. Other guys find that they have little interest in sex with anyone. Some men with inhibited desire rarely initiate sex, although they respond if their partner makes an advance. Other men lose interest in sex all together. In it’s most extreme form, individuals with inhibited sexual desire may find sex repellent or distasteful.

It’s normal for two men to have different levels of sexual drive. Scientists in recent years have found that sex drive (in both men and women) is regulated by the level of testosterone in the bloodstream. Levels of testosterone can vary widely and still be considered “normal.” Inhibited sexual desire is not the same thing as having a lower sexual energy than one’s partner.

This situation can be temporary and caused by outside stressors such as too much work. This has sometimes been described as “Yuppie Bed Death:” two partners both working long hours in successful careers, with little time or energy left for romance at the end of the day. The solution may be as simple as getting more rest, watching what you eat and getting a moderate level of exercise.

Interest can also fall when sex becomes a power struggle within the relationship. If a relationship is experiencing conflict or if affection and romance has disappeared, it’s not surprising that the erotic relationship is going to suffer as well. Underlying tension or unresolved stuff in a relationship can cause a drop in passion. Think of it as the canary in the coal mine – a signal that something unseen may be having a toxic effect on your relationship.

Male sexuality is surprisingly easily to knock out of order. If we are afraid that we’re going to fail at sex, it stands to reason that we aren’t going to be very excited by it. Losing an erection, premature ejaculation or painful intercourse are all things that can cause us to lose interest in sex. So can sexual illnesses such as gonorrhea, anal warts, etc. Anxiety about HIV contributes to the mix for many gay men.

If you think that you (or your partner) may have inhibited sexual desire, counseling or medical attention may be in order. Some of us have grown up with very negative or restrictive views about sex. This has sometimes been called the “Madonna/whore complex,” dividing partners (in this case, women) into two classes: those who are good and those who are sexy. It can take work to reconnect the two. Negative traumatic sexual experiences like rape or assault are also associated with inhibited desire.

If the lack of interest in sex is part of a broader range of symptoms, it is possible that you are experiencing depression or exhaustion. A hormone deficiency is also a possibility. For these reasons and a host of others, being able to talk about sexual matters with your health care providers is important for your well-being.

Healthy sexuality is an important part of most intimate relationships. You are entitled to enjoy sex. Don’t allow yourself to settle into complacency about problems with your erotic life.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.