Why Would a Gay Man Love Jesus?

John R. Ballew, M.S.

About ten years ago, after 20 years of gay activism in the Lutheran church, I decided that I had enough. The arrogance, pig-headedness and mean-spiritedness I’d encountered in the church had taken their toll. I decided I could no longer build a spirituality around being pissed off, and I could no longer be part of organized Christendom.

I spent several years staying away from churches of all sorts while I explored other paths – chiefly Hinduism, Buddhism and a little Paganism. And you know what? It felt good and healing. I had no stake in these other traditions, so when I encountered homo-ignorance in one or the other, I could shrug it off. I wasn’t interested in becoming a devout Hindu or determining if Taoism was really The Way, so I felt completely free to take what was useful to me and leave the rest.

And yet…something was missing for me. While each path I encountered had something beautiful to add to my understanding of the Divine, none spoke the language of my soul. In my most private heart-of-hearts, I still prayed and spoke with God in an intimate way that was Christian.

I decided to treat Christianity the same way I did other faith traditions: I would take what was useful to me and let go of what didn’t speak to me. What speaks to me? I love the story of the Incarnation, of God putting on human flesh and living with us. I love how in his God-flesh, Jesus had no use for the self-righteous church leaders of his day, but instead ate with whores and thieves. Jesus understood that suffering is part of the human condition, and that the response of a loving God is to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn. I love the experience of Jesus as Friend, as Lover.

I love the call for justice that to me is at the heart of the best of Christianity, the compassionate Jesus who cares for the poor and the sick and the outcast. Hell, Jesus didn’t just care for outcasts; he was one. Including being an outcast from the dominant religious paradigm of his community. Very much like us, like me.

The qualities of love, compassion, justice and community that Jesus taught and embodied are what keep me connected to the Christian tradition. But the business of Christianity is very problematic for a gay man. Like most of us, I’ve experienced the church not as the Body of Christ, but often as it’s opposite: unloving, cold, unjust and exclusionary. The challenge has been to find ways to nurture my spirituality without allowing it to be too caught up in religion; to separate the wheat from the chaff and to distinguish Christ from Christianity (at least, most of it).

As a gay man who wants to travel a Christian path, there are certain things I’ve found to be essential. One has been to give up “false idols.” Biblical literalism (what I grew up with as a kid) is one of those idols. Another is excessive concern about church bureaucrats and what they say. Let’s face it: popes, bishops, theologians and other ordained people frequently say stupid and hateful things. If you think of these people as representatives of God, that’s disturbing. If you think of them as a one motley crew of human beings among many, it’s just irritating. They can’t hurt me, and I certainly am not going to give these people veto power over how I choose to live my spirituality!

Another false idol has been the presumption and arrogance of much of Christianity itself. I love the way I find the divine in Christianity, but I don’t see it as superior to the way a Jew finds the divine in Judaism, or a Muslim, Hindu or Sikh find God in their religions. There are a thousand paths through the forest, someone said. For me, a mature spirituality means paying attention to Wicca, Buddhism and other paths, even if they are not my own path. At the same time, there is great wisdom in the teaching of the Dali Lama that it is better to dig one well one hundred feet deep, rather than one hundred wells each one foot deep. For me, that deeper well lies in following Jesus.

John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality and relationships. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org.